From the Heart


I want to write a blog post from a personal perspective, on the foundations of our lives and the evolution of the heart. Heady themes! I never write about the men in my life / heart, I save it for myself - and occasional love poems.

Amish never divorce which means there has been, is and will be many unhappy Amish marriages. As the Church forbids divorce Amish domestic abuse victims have no easily available resources.
NOTE: If you are Amish and the victim of abuse or just want to leave the Amish and have no resources please contact: THE AMISH HERITAGE FOUNDATION.

When I was a child Dad, Mom and I visited one of my ex-Amish brothers in Texas. He brought a prostitute to our San Antonio hotel room. I immediately fell in love with her. She cooed over me, called me sugar and honey and fed me numerous cans of A & W cream sodas from the vending machine. I cried when she left. I didn't pay my brother any attention whatsoever. I never really did and vice versa. Years later he called me a queer and I never spoke to him again.

Another of my ex-Amish brothers got married so many times Mom had to start a new page in the family Bible. I was aware of unhappy marriages from an early age which contributed to my phobia of commitment. I hated attending weddings and always did so unwillingly. Dad made me go so I was forced to witness various cousins and relatives traipsing up and down aisles.
If I have attended your wedding, chances are I didn't want to be there, sorry. Still, one thinks about this monumental event from time to time and I proposed once.
"Will you marry me?"
"Fuck no, James... Jesus Christ!"
I have had lovers in my life since I was a teenager but only one long term relationship that would last from 2007 until late 2013 when we called it a day. People evolve and it was a challenge over the years to keep and fight for our Poet / Muse friendship but we did it and survived.


In 2017 I went on a date. He was handsome, suave and intellectual. During dinner he confessed he had reread my book The Literary Party, bookmarked all my social media and was an honest admirer of my work. I was mildly flattered but couldn't get away from him fast enough. As a writer it is always nice to have your work recognized but all of my friends know my position on fame: a total joke. Also my commitment phobia kicked in, right on time!

When I moved to the Hawaiian Kingdom I fell in love with Native Hawaiian men and vowed I would give up my freedom for a kanaka. Of course this was me being romantic, if said kanaka came along I would probably run(!) although I do live on an island now LOL.

My parents had a long, devoted marriage but that was not in the cards for me which I can be thin skinned about. Looking back however I do not regret my love-life choices (well...don't get me drunk!) but I'm still a vagabond today which says something.

I have even been asked out by several gay Amish / ex-Amish men but that was a no as well. I imagined us in an Amish farm house and broke out in hives. Maybe... just maybe friendship can be the foundation and marriage is not for everyone?



LOVEJETS: QUEER MALE POETS ON 200 YEARS OF WALT WHITMAN (SQUARES & REBELS PRESS, 2019)